Thursday, July 14, 2005
I wanna love again. I don't wanna love anymore. What do I really want?
I called two guys a while ago, the 1st one was my past, the 2nd guy is "supposedly" the present one.
At first I was thinking twice about calling my past, since we hadn't spoken in more than 2 months, since summer actually. When I called him, I was surprised that he could still distinguish me properly, we still talked coolly like nothing ever happened to us before. He even had the guts (he always has the guts) to ask me, "You miss me right??" and I said, "Maybe YOU do." I figured out that was the wrong thing to say since I was the one who called him in the first place. We catched up on a few things, he asked me where I studied now and what course I'm taking and I asked him stuff like that too, and later on knew he shifted his course. We talked for quite a while and as usual the last sentence ended in a teasing way. He said, "I'm gonna take a bath now ok" and I was like "Yuck, coz you smell!". He asked me to call him again later but I refused, thinking that would be the last time I would call him again.
One of my best friends, who's staying with me for the week asked me what's wrong with me, and why do I always feel that way during every aftermath of our conversation, since I couldn't get over that short track of convo. Why? I ask myself too.
I called the present a few hours later after that. We talked for quite sometime too, even longer than the past and surprisingly we too had a lot of things to talk about, even though I was the one initiating most of them. We kept on making jokes to each other and stuff, being really funny and always making each other laugh. Honestly, the convo was kind of awkward, but we got over it and talked about cigarettes and teasing each other with our so-called (inverted commas) girlfriends (slash) boyfriend (inverted commas). You know the thing when two people are just in the process of getting close they tend to tease each other with having girlfriends and boyfriends, even though they don't and that's just a phase actually.
Why can't this guy say his real feelings for me? When I tried my best to make him comfortable towards me. Why? I ask myself once again.
I don't know what's ought to happen to me and any of these guys. The past is partly erased but the present still isn't that clear either. Why do these things always spin our head to the extent that we kinda get a little bit effed up in the end?
Am I considered unlucky in love that I can never get a real relationship where there's no give and no take just a mix of both? In love, I live by the quote "a great relationship comes to those who wait." But who are we to wait? Aren't we supposed to be trying to make it work?
I haven't blogged meaningfully in ages where I can really pour my heart out. I even think this is the first time. And I realize that the main topic is mostly relationships, love, and all that jazz.
What's up with relationships anyway? what's wrong with not wanting to be in one anwyway? Why do we always feel the need to be loved and to be taken care of? Why do we always want challenge when all we get from that challenge is just pain? Why? Why? Why?
Why did this guy pour his love for me, did extra nice things, and showed great efforts but just vanished in thin air? (We're talking about another different guy here). Why did he accompany me shopping, carried the shopping bags, visit me home at night when it's late even though he lives miles away just to make me laugh, accompany my nights, telling me to sleep when it got late, saying that he'll still be here for me no matter what happens even though I don't have a final answer. Did he think that his efforts were just a waste because he had an idea that I wouldn't accept him even though I had feelings for him? Who can give me an answer really? I've tried to contact him several times but all I get is a... I don't get anything at all.
I'm hoping to get an answer from all these questions, but I realize that all of us, have, more or less, the same questions in our mind.
I am Justine and this used to be juiceee.blogspot.com / I now have my own domain (e-mail me at ohjazzy@gmail.com to find out), I'm just keeping this for the sake of memories. Feel free to look around if you must! more?
