Oh Juice!

What Do I Want?
Wednesday, May 24, 2006

SHIT. I'm feeling so confused.
What's the difference between "I want him" and "I like, like him"??

I don't know how I'm feeling. I get excited when he's there. We used to talk so much but now, I can't even say a word when he's around. He's looking for a girl, yet doesn't want commitment. I don't know what I want. I really don't. Fecckk!! These thoughts are killing me. What do I want?!

I wanna be with him, but I don't. Maybe coz he said he doesn't want commitment and I'm scared to fall hard. I'm scared of everything now, I've been scared my whole life. That's probably why all my relationships never worked, and were never that serious. Maybe it's really me. I'm always scared to fall, that I've never been truly in depth with my feelings. I don't wanna be scared anymore, I just wanna be free to love someone w/out thinking about consequences or the other side but how do I do that?

That's why I want this to be different. I want it to be real. I want to tell him how I feel without him turning his back and walking away. I want the same level of understanding. I don't want to pretend like it's alright, coz that would mean I'm lying to myself as well.

Though how? Maybe I should just let it all go and pretend that I never felt it. But then again, I'd be lying to myself. And everything would go round and back to the beginning.

It's all a cycle and I wanna stretch that circle and stretch it so hard that it would become a straight line.

SHIT.

/edit
I don't love this guy.. YET. I just don't think I want it to end up that way, umm u know, considering the situation.

♥ Justine
2:27 AM